


Perfect

by Clytemnestrasrevenge



Category: Black Swan (2010), VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Black Swan, Ballet, Character Life/Death Up to Interpretation, Descent into Madness, First Time Blow Jobs, Hallucinations, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Self Scratching, Obsession, Recreational Drug Use, Seduction, Swan Lake - Freeform, theater sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:21:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26021833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clytemnestrasrevenge/pseuds/Clytemnestrasrevenge
Summary: Driven by obsession, Lee Hongbin, a dancer, is pushed to the edge of madness after winning the lead role in a production of Tchaikovsky's "Swan Lake".(AKA: the one where Hongbin loses it.)*Inspired by the film Black Swan (2010)*
Relationships: Han Sanghyuk | Hyuk/Lee Hongbin, Han Sanghyuk | Hyuk/Lee Jaehwan | Ken, Kim Wonshik | Ravi/Lee Jaehwan | Ken, Lee Hongbin/Lee Jaehwan | Ken
Comments: 11
Kudos: 10





	Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> I was looking at photos and thought: "Hey, they look like swan lake!"
> 
> And then this just *happened* in roughly two and a half days. 
> 
> Also, as a heads up, this is not written in my usual style. It's a bit of an experiment. I hope you enjoy!

~0~0~

~0~0~

No.1

_Hongbin dreamed about dancing the white swan._

He woke up in a surprisingly good mood. A soft little smile staying on his face all throughout his morning stretching and warmup routine.

Taekwoon, his elder brother and roommate, made him breakfast just like he did every morning. Half a grapefruit and a hard-boiled egg.

“The director promised to feature me more this year,” Hongbin told him as he ate.

“Good, he should. You’re the most dedicated dancer in the company. You deserve it.”

It was only as Taekwoon was helping Hongbin into his coat that he noticed something.

“What’s that?” he asked, squinting at the small red patch of skin on Hongbin’s right shoulder blade.

Hongbin shrugged. “No clue. A rash probably, I switched bodywash the other day.”

Taekwoon only frowned.

No.2

Hongbin had caught his train to work, swathed in a light beige wool coat and cream scarf.

_As usual._

In his peripheral vision, he noticed someone that looked an awful lot like him, just visible through the window into the next car.

Hongbin could only see the man from behind, in a charcoal coat with black scarf, and they scratch their heads at the exact same time. _Weird._

The stranger got off the train before Hongbin did and Hongbin craned his neck, trying in vain to catch a glimpse of his face. No luck. All Hongbin could do was watch him vanish into the crowd on the platform.

No.3

Hongbin made it to the theater ten minutes early.

_As usual._

He sat at his station in the large chorus member dressing room, quiet, making sure he looked absolutely perfect and listening to the other dancer’s gossip.

“Our company is going under,” one said.

“We need to try something new to get a larger audience,” replied another.

Privately, Hongbin agreed.

“Am I late?” an unfamiliar voice asked, sounding like they’d just run a marathon.

It was the stranger from the train, Hongbin realized when he glanced up. The man was out of breath but smiling, looking at Hongbin with a hand braced on the door frame. That was definitely the same coat. And the same scarf.

“A little,” Hongbin replied, since nobody else seemed like they were going to.

“Fuck!” the man exclaimed, his smile never dropping as he paced away to collapse at an empty station, “I got off at the wrong stop and had to walk like twelve blocks!”

Hongbin watched him in the mirror, fascinated, as he shrugged off that coat. The long sleeve shirt underneath several sizes too large.

No.4

The entire company always came together for warmups on the bar. Like a daily ritual, to keep them connected as a team or something. Hongbin had never minded it. _Any_ opportunity to show off his technique was a welcome thing.

He was still watching the stranger, now on the other side of the practice room, when the director came in.

Every person straightened up. Each dancer adjusting their positions so, rather than looking like they were warming up, it appeared as though they had warmed up ages ago and then practiced for several hours after that.

Hongbin was one of the first to notice that Sanghyuk had entered, and he forced himself into a perfect pose. Trying even harder in an attempt to catch Sanghyuk’s notice.

“We all know that story,” Sanghyuk called, his voice strong enough to be heard over the cheerful piano playing in the background.

“A virginal girl, pure and sweet, trapped in the body of a swan.”

As he spoke, the director walked slowly between the rows of dancers. Occasionally tapping someone on the shoulder and then moving on.

“She desires freedom, but only true love can break the spell.”

Hongbin switched gracefully from third position to fourth, feet pointing outward now as he watched Sanghyuk tap one of the chorus members on the shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Wonshik watching as well. He hadn’t gotten a tap yet either.

“Her wish is nearly granted in the form of a prince.”

The strange man from early caught Hongbin’s gaze across the room and held it. Hongbin nearly stumbled. Nearly. He never, _ever_ stumbled.

“But before he can declare his love, her lustful twin, the black swan,” Sanghyuk continued, walking right past the stranger without giving him a tap, “Tricks and seduces him.”

He was nearly in front of Hongbin now, those sharp dark eyes assessing his form. Hongbin lowered his gaze to the floor. Staying focused. _Being perfect._

“Devastated,” the guy right behind Hongbin got a tap. And then Sanghyuk was moving away again. “The white swan leaps off a cliff, killing herself, and in death, finds freedom.”

Hongbin hadn’t gotten a tap. He hadn’t gotten picked. But what did that mean? All the dancers chosen were mediocre as far as he was aware. Hongbin had no clue about the new guy, but Wonshik and Hakyeon were the two best dancers in the company apart from himself, and neither of them had been tapped either.

Sanghyuk clapped twice and the music stopped. “Good morning, company.”

“Good morning,” Hongbin chorused along with the rest. Relaxing now that practice had paused. 

“We are going to open the season with Swan Lake. Overdone, true, but never done like this before.”

Hongbin tried not to chew his lip in anticipation.

“We’re going to strip it down, make it visceral and evocative and real. But the largest change is that the swan queen will become a swan king. Both Odette and Odile, our white and black swans respectively, will be played by a single male dancer. Other than that, all the roles will remain the same. Prince Siegfried, the handsome lover, and Rothbart, the evil sorcerer, are unchanged.”

People began to titter and whisper but Sanghyuk continued without so much as a flinch. “Our new swan king will need to be selected carefully, as someone who can embody elements of both the white and the black is hard to find.”

Hongbin didn’t know what to think. The best he’d hoped for with Swan Lake was the role of the prince, but if he could be the swan king, the principal, the star....

“Everyone who I tapped on the shoulder, go to your regularly scheduled rehearsals. But everyone I didn’t tap, meet me in the principal studio at five. Thank you.”

That meant Hongbin. Hongbin hadn’t gotten a tap. Sanghyuk wanted him to audition for the lead.

Hongbin sighed, both relieved and excited. He wanted to jump up and down and start shrieking with joy, but he stayed still. Not making a sound. Not wanting to make a fool of himself or get his hopes up too high.

Five o’clock finally rolled around after hours of mindless and routine practice. Hongbin hadn’t been able to focus on anything after Sanghyuk’s announcement. His run-throughs had been automatic, body moving on auto pilot. _Waiting, waiting, waiting..._

He was standing just outside the principal studio, _still waiting,_ when he noticed that the door to the dressing room of the principal dancer was cracked open. Odd, considering that the current principal dancer had stormed out earlier in the day when he learned about the company’s new production. And then subsequently learned he wasn’t even being given a chance to audition for the lead. Nobody should be there.

Privately, Hongbin was glad he’d gone. The man was well past his prime and they all knew it.

Letting his curiosity get the better of him, Hongbin crept to the door and pushed it open enough that he could slip inside. The dressing room was spacious, considerably more so than the chorus room he was used too. A wide vanity table with a mirror ringed in lights. Sandy colored hardwood flooring. A rather soft looking couch. Hongbin would have called the room cozy, if not for the fact that its occupant had clearly thrown a tantrum and broken several pieces of furniture, the remnants of which were still scattered haphazardly about.

Hongbin sat down in front of the mirror, running light fingers over the accumulation of trinkets on display. A little porcelain figure of a ballerina. A metal nail file. A tube of lipstick.

Almost unconsciously, Hongbin’s hand wrapped around the lipstick and he slid it into his pocket.

No.5

Hongbin danced the Odette solo variation as well as he could, trying not to shy away from Sanghyuk’s assessing eyes on him. He knew the moves from watching it at least a million times on YouTube, if not from practicing alone in his room. He never thought he’d actually need to preform one of the female solos. If he had- well, playing the _‘what if’_ game wasn’t going to get him anywhere at this point.

Going with Odette, the white swan, first had been a conscious decision on Hongbin’s part. It was the more technical and classical part. And technique, poised perfection, that’s where Hongbin shined.

Everyone knew it. Everyone, Sanghyuk included.

Sanghyuk had been watching from maybe ten feet away, leaning up against the mirror, but he came forward as soon as the music ended. Getting into Hongbin’s space. Looking down at him. Close enough to whisper in Hongbin’s ear.

“If I only needed a white swan, the part would be yours, but I don’t. I need you to be both. Show me your black swan. Odile’s coda.”

His hot breath fanned out over Hongbin’s ear. Hongbin swallowed hard.

The black swan was more seductive. Loose and wild and more fluid. Hongbin was not good at wild.

But he danced all the same, shaking off the feeling of Sanghyuk’s body heat and picking up when the music restarted.

“You’re being too controlled,” Sanghyuk said, before Hongbin had even reached the thirty second mark.

He tried harder and harder, overwhelmed with the need to let go but not quite able to do it.

“Attack it, come on!”

Hongbin spun and spun and spun, pirouetting until the sound of the door opening threw him off and he _stumbled._

It was that same stranger in dark colors from earlier, walking in with headphones on and his eyes downcast. Hongbin stared at him. Trying to catch his breath.

“You’re late,” Sanghyuk chastised, but his tone was strangely friendly. Nothing like the brisk, businesslike way he addressed Hongbin.

The man tugged the earbuds out, flashing a cheeky smile and looking at Sanghyuk through his lashes. “I’m sorry, I got lost. This place is huge, and I haven't had time to learn the layout yet.”

To Hongbin’s surprise, Sanghyuk’s expression softened as fast as melting butter. He moved to give the man a quick hug. _A hug._

“Everyone, this is Lee Jaehwan. A fresh new face to fill Seokjin’s old spot.”

“Hey!” the man, Jaehwan, chirped, waving around at them all before moving away to set down his bag.

“Now, you, get warmed up.”

Jaehwan looked at Sanghyuk over his shoulder, radiating easy confidence. “It’s fine, I’m good.”

Sanghyuk’s mouth quirked up, lips pressed firmly to hide a smile.

Hongbin, anxious now after his mistake and completely thrown off, looked to their director for guidance. “Should I start over?”

“No, you can go.” Sanghyuk dismissed him with a wave of his hand, not even really paying attention to Hongbin anymore. Too focused on Jaehwan to care. “You've done enough.”

Hongbin wanted to cry at that. But he didn’t cry. Pinching his arm to keep the tears at bay as he left.

No.6

On the walk home from his subway stop, Hongbin saw someone who looked kind of like him coming from the opposite direction. Walking on the same part of the sidewalk as he was.

All in black, checking their phone right when he did. _Weird._

They walked past each other after several tense seconds, Hongbin trying not to look like he was staring.

The man smiled at him, that same smile Jaehwan had aimed at Sanghyuk when he walked in late to the auditions.

“How was your day?” Taekwoon asked, glancing at Hongbin as the younger man entered the kitchen.

Hongbin’s lower lip began to tremble. “It was fine,” he tried, making a valiant effort to remain composed before promptly bursting into tears.

No.7

_Plié._

_Plié._

_Pirouette._

_Plié._

_Pirouette._

Hongbin was practicing the black swan variation again in his mirror in their living room. Odile’s coda.

He had to get it right. Somehow, Hongbin knew that if he could _just_ get the choreography right, finish the dance, then everything would be fine. He could finish it, tell Sanghyuk he’d finished it, and Sanghyuk would be proud of him. Let him have the role as the swan king.

_Plié._

_Pirouette._

_Pirouette._

_Pirouette._

_Pirouette._

Sanghyuk, their wonderful and talented director. Sanghyuk, who Hongbin had been head-over-heels in love with for the better part of the last three years. Sanghyuk, who could make him a star-

Something _cracked_ and Hongbin crumpled to the ground in a heap.

His ankle, maybe? Or, no. His toe. His ankle was sore, but the largest share of pain was coming from his big toe.

“Is everything alright?” Taekwoon called from the other room.

Hongbin sat up and took off his shoe. The nail on his big toe had split. Ugly and bloody.

“You’re working yourself too hard,” Taekwoon murmured, tucking Hongbin into bed after he’d helped clean up the injury. “Get some sleep, everything will be better in the morning.”

On the train the next day, Hongbin absentmindedly dabbed a bit of that stolen lipstick onto his mouth with the pad of his finger, using a darkened window as a mirror.

No.8

“Hey, do you have a minute?” Hongbin had found Sanghyuk in one of the theaters' corridors, alone for once. He wanted to ask about redoing his audition, but Sanghyuk seemed distracted and a bit impatient. “If now isn’t a good time, I can-“

“Now is perfect. Come on.”

Sanghyuk ushered him along a few more hallways and then steered Hongbin into his office. Closing the door behind them with a click and turning to look at Hongbin. Expectant.

“I practiced Odile’s coda last night, and I finished.”

“That’s great, Hongbin. That’s really great, but I’ve already picked someone else,” Sanghyuk replied, crushing Hongbin’s hope for second chances with a single sentence.

Sanghyuk walked back to open the door.

Hongbin followed, intending to take his leave and find somewhere quiet to cry.

But Sanghyuk closed it again just as Hongbin was about to cross the threshold.

“Is that all?”

Hongbin blinked up into those mesmerizing dark eyes, confused.

“You aren’t even going to _try_ and change my mind?”

“I just came to ask for the part, but if you’ve already chosen someone else...”

Sanghyuk moved away, sitting on one of the chairs by his office window. “All I see when I look at you is the white swan, Hongbin. You’re beautiful and graceful and somehow fragile. You have gentle eyes and a kind heart. Ideal casting for the white swan. But it’s very hard to dance both the black and the white.”

“I can do it; I can do both.”

“Really?” Sanghyuk replied, skeptical. One eyebrow raised in challenge. “In all the years you’ve worked for the company, all I’ve seen is obsessive perfectionism and rigid technique. You never lose yourself to the dance, and that’s what the black swan needs. Honestly, I think you are much too disciplined to be able to pull it off.”

“I just want to be perfect. Is that so bad?” Hongbin was still standing awkwardly by the door.

Sanghyuk laughed, but not an unkind laugh. “Perfection is about more than control, it’s about knowing when to let go and be transcendent,” he said, standing again and pacing across the room as quick as lightning. ”Not many people have that.”

Hongbin’s half-formed reply that he thought he _does have it in him, actually, and he knows when to let go,_ was abruptly cut off.

His face was tilted up, Sanghyuk’s hand under his chin, and then Sanghyuk was kissing him. _Hard._

Head spinning at the sudden pressure against his mouth, Hongbin bit Sanghyuk’s lip. He didn’t even realize he’d done it until after Sanghyuk pulled away.

“Ow! Did you just fucking bite me?!”

“I’m so sorry,” Hongbin muttered, panicking, face flushing as he turned and ran from the office.

No.9

Hongbin sat in the hallway alone, stretching. Several feet removed from the other dancers but close enough to hear them whisper.

Hakyeon and Wonshik were the closest. Laughing about a joke Hongbin hadn’t been let in on.

“Hey! The cast list has been posted,” one of the younger ballerinas exclaimed, running past them on light feet and beaming.

Hongbin didn't even bother going to look. He knew he’d ruined the minuscule chance he had after that mess in Sanghyuk’s office.

“Congratulations” Hongbin murmured, aiming the most cheerful smile he could manage at Wonshik. It _was_ going to be Wonshik. He was the best by far.

Wonshik smiled back at him and hurried off to see the list, obviously trying to hide how excited he was.

Hongbin got up and cracked his back, feeling forlorn and dejected. But just when he started walking the opposite way, Wonshik came stomping back down the hall.

“Was that your idea of a shitty joke?!” he spat, getting in Hongbin’s face. “You’re a sick fuck, leave me alone.”

“What?!”

There was no reply, Wonshik already hurrying away from him and leaving Hongbin even more confused.

Hongbin decided he should _probably_ check the list. See how bad it was.

But what he saw made his heart just flat out stop beating. Right at the top of the list. _‘Swan King- Lee Hongbin’._

Everyone was hugging him and congratulating him and saying his name, people who normally didn’t bother giving him the time of day.

How did this happen? After everything- how did he manage...

Hongbin let his mind temporarily shut down, in a state of shock.

Jaehwan caught his eye from a few yards away and he gave Hongbin a nod of either respect or approval. Hongbin wasn’t sure.

Hongbin stared at him for a second too long, heat creeping up his face from the intensity of Jaehwan’s gaze, before escaping to the bathroom. Dialing Taekwoon’s number with shaky fingers.

“Woonie, I got it! I got the part!”

_“Congratulations! I’m so happy for you! So proud! We can celebrate tonight!”_

Hongbin swallowed down happy tears as he hung up the phone, wiping at his eyes. Heart bursting with joy.

When he opened the door of the stall he’d ducked into, Hongbin saw that someone had written the word _‘whore’_ on the mirror in red lipstick. It hadn’t been there when he came in and he frantically tried to wipe it off. Feeling a whole different kind of tears threatening to spring up.

Fresh from a shower later that night, Hongbin looked himself over in the mirror. He thought he looked alright, not as handsome as he could be, nor as lithe, his muscles seemed a bit too prominent.

There was another scratch on his shoulder blade, almost like a rash. Hongbin inspected it and noticed was bleeding right when he heard Taekwoon get home.

Hongbin didn’t remember scratching himself that badly but it didn’t matter. He quickly covered up and moved out to the kitchen.

No.10

Hongbin’s first rehearsal as the company’s principal dancer was going about as well as could reasonably be expected. So far, anyway. Wonshik, who’d been cast as Prince Siegfried (which was actually a great part, and also a part that Hongbin didn’t think warranted Wonshik calling him a _sick fuck,_ but whatever), and Hakyeon, playing the evil Rothbart, were practicing with him. The principal studio empty of all but the three of them, the pianist, and Sanghyuk.

“Alright, that’s fine, stop now,” called the director, pushing away from the wall as Wonshik set Hongbin on his feet. “That was good, obviously, but the white swan was never going to be a problem.”

Hongbin nodded along, hands clasped in front of him.

“What you actually need to work on is the metamorphosis into Odile. Your evil twin isn’t good enough yet, but I think I saw a bit of him the other day.” Sanghyuk turned to leave, adding over his shoulder, “And get ready to give more of that bite.”

Hongbin had been forced to take a break so he’d decided to accompany Sanghyuk and watch the general rehearsal.

He was supposed to be watching _everyone,_ but really, Hongbin was only watching Jaehwan. How Jaehwan moved. Light and elegant, fluid, never stiff. Dark hair fluttering loose around his face, lithe limbs effortlessly forming position after position.

“You could take a lesson from Jaehwan, you know,” Sanghyuk murmured, leaning close to Hongbin’s side. “The way he dances is imprecise, but full of such emotion and ease that you don’t even notice.”

Hongbin looked on as Jaehwan twirled and twirled and then twirled right smack into Wonshik’s chest, giggling and smiling as Wonshik steadied him.

Jaehwan winked at Wonshik, touching his arm before laughing and moving away.

Hongbin was so jealous he wanted to scream. Not because of Wonshik, but because of Jaehwan’s attitude. The way every eye in the room was focused on him without him even trying. He was the kind of happy, flirtatious person that made Hongbin feel awkward and uncomfortable in his own skin.

No.11

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Sanghyuk said, raising a glass of champagne to the assembled crowd, “Allow me to introduce our new principal dancer, the lovely and talented Lee Hongbin.”

They were at the companies fundraising gala, which Hongbin wasn’t totally happy about. But Sanghyuk had told him beforehand to _just grin and bear it because_ _we really fucking need their money._ So, he smiled. Waving to the onlookers and holding tight to the crook of Sanghyuk’s elbow.

While everyone else was clapping, Hongbin heard a peal of laughter from somewhere nearby.

Searching for the source of the sound, he found, unsurprisingly, Jaehwan mixed in with the crowd. Both his dark suit and dark hair in disarray, hanging off Wonshik’s arm and giggling, _as usual._

Hongbin didn't really know why but he was upset- no, not upset, annoyed that Jaehwan wasn’t paying attention to him. It was _his_ moment, not _Wonshik’s._

A few hours later, Hongbin managed to slip away and hide in the bathroom. Taking a moment to breathe and compose himself in relative silence, party noises muffled by a closed door.

He was washing his hands, making sure his nails still looked perfect, when someone started banging on the door. Hongbin wanted to snap at the person but just ended up making himself hurry and opening the door.

It was Jaehwan.

For some reason, he looked absolutely delighted to see Hongbin. Eyes sparkling and smile wide.

“Hey! It’s you! I don’t think we’ve officially met yet, I’m Lee Jaehwan,” said Jaehwan, sticking out a hand for Hongbin to shake.

Hongbin shook. “I’m Hongbin.”

“Oh, I _know!_ Our new swan king!”

Hongbin felt himself smile. It was like all of Jaehwan’s attention was on him in that moment, the way Jaehwan was looking at him made Hongbin feel strangely special. Like he was something _worth_ looking at.

They just stood there, squeezed together in the bathroom, Jaehwan chattering away as he quickly took off his slacks and slid out of his briefs. Like it was normal to strip in front of a total stranger. Hongbin kept his eyes pinned on the ceiling, blushing scarlet. Dumbfounded as Jaehwan shimmied back into his pants, now sans underwear.

“I should get back,” he tried, thinking it was safe to look since Jaehwan was fully dressed.

Jaehwan hopped onto the counter, turning up the wattage of that killer smile. “Please, stay! Keep me company!” he begged, catching one of Hongbin’s hands and squeezing.

Hongbin gave him a small smile in return, but excused himself despite Jaehwan’s pleading.

“There you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Sanghyuk gathered him up the moment he was outside the bathroom door. Dragging Hongbin away to mingle.

Hongbin went home that night and stroked himself off to the image of Jaehwan’s smile, the way Jaehwan said his name.

No.12

Weeks later, Hongbin was back in the practice room with Wonshik and Hakyeon, dancing the black swan pas de deux. _Again._ Because Hongbin _still_ couldn’t capture the energy that the choreography required.

All Sanghyuk could say as he watched was that Hongbin was too stiff, too stiff, _always too stiff._

No.13

Another week gone, practicing the same dance again with the same result. Sanghyuk was still disappointed.

“Stop, stop!” he said sharply, finally losing patience in the middle of their fourth run through. “You,” a finger pointed at Hakyeon, “And you,” another pointed at Wonshik, “Be honest, would either of you fuck him?”

Hakyeon snorted a laugh but immediately tried to cover it up, giving Hongbin an apologetic look. _Too late._ Hongbin felt himself flush with white hot shame and embarrassment.

“Exactly,” Sanghyuk continued, shrugging. “No one would. Hongbin, your dancing is just as frigid as-"

His painful words were cut short, the lights in the studio shutting off with absolutely no warning.

“We are still here! Turn those fucking lights back on!”

Someone up above must have heard Sanghyuk shout, the practice room flooded with illumination once again.

“Jesus Christ, alright, get out. No, not you,” the director huffed, pointing at Hongbin, “You stay.”

The other two exited the room, leaving snickers and backward glances in their wake.

“I’m going to dance the prince this time,” Sanghyuk said, once they were alone. Popping open the top button on his shirt and shaking out his arms.

They began, going through the choreography without musical accompaniment.

Hongbin wanted so _badly_ to do good. He wanted to impress Sanghyuk, his centuries-long crush on Sanghyuk making him want nothing more than for Sanghyuk to approve of him. To praise him. To call him his little prince and hold him in the dark.

And it was going surprisingly well. Hongbin found the moves coming easier with Sanghyuk as his partner. Their chemistry so much more palpable than his and Wonshik’s. The dance was so charged and emotional and passionate, barely touching but close enough to feel Sanghyuk’s body heat against his back. Hands on his waist. Brushing his hips.

And it kept getting better. Hongbin able to feel the heat of Sanghyuk’s touch through his practice clothes. Starting to respond to it. Matching his energy.

And then, as natural as breathing, Sanghyuk was _kissing_ him. Hongbin falling into it and running his fingers through Sanghyuk’s hair. Gasping as Sanghyuk’s hand slipped between his legs-

But Sanghyuk pulled away.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve.

“That was me seducing you,” he said, stepping further away and clearing his throat. “It needs to be the other way around.”

And Hongbin felt something inside him _crack._

Hongbin just sat on the floor of the studio after Sanghyuk left, thinking of nothing, until he heard the door open again.

He looked around, hoping that Sanghyuk had returned to whisk him away, but no. It was only Jaehwan, black cardigan slipping off one shoulder and hair that same artful mess from the party.

Jaehwan dropped his bag on the floor as he came closer, slipping a cigarette between his luscious lips. “Hello!”

He lit up, Hongbin watching as he plopped down cross legged on the floor. Jaehwan frowned cutely at him. “Are you okay?”

“You can’t smoke in here,” Hongbin said, as if the simple deflection would be enough to stop Jaehwan’s prying. But Jaehwan just smiled.

“I can’t wait for the big day, I know you’re going to be amazing,” Jaehwan hummed, scooting a bit closer so their knees brushed.

He offered a cigarette to Hongbin.

Hongbin took it. Letting Jaehwan light it as he put it to his mouth.

“So, do you want to talk about it?”

“No. I just had a bad day.”

Jaehwan hummed, Hongbin inhaling a cloud of grey that stung his lungs a bit.

“Was Sanghyuk being too hard on you? I mean, the guy is a _total_ dick.”

Hongbin let out a shaky exhale. “He’s _not._ He’s brilliant.”

“Sure, fine, he’s _brilliant,”_ Jaehwan conceded, waving his cigarette around like a baton, “But he’s not the most caring guy in the world. Not a drop of emotional intelligence in that man. Swear to god.”

Hongbin gave a weak shrug, staring at the spot his and Jaehwan’s knees were still touching. “You just don’t know him as well as I do.”

All of a sudden, Jaehwan was grinning again. “I didn’t know you had such a fat crush on the boss,” he giggled, poking Hongbin in the ribs. Like Hongbin’s feelings were a joke to him.

”I should go.”

Hongbin got up to leave, something he should have done about two minutes ago, ignoring Jaehwan’s calls of “Stay!” and that he “Was just playing!”

No.14

Hongbin slipped into his freshly drawn bath.

He ducked his head under the water, listening to the muffled nothing and closing his eyes.

When he opened them again, _Jaehwan was bent over him,_ hands braced on either side of the tub, laughing and giving Hongbin that same enchanting smile.

Hongbin startled, gasping as his head broke the surface.

But _nobody_ was there. He looked down at his hands and found that his nails were bloody.

Hurriedly, he got out of the bath and looked in the mirror. The scratches on his shoulder blade had grown bigger, bleeding even as Hongbin tried to staunch the flow with a crumpled ball of toilet paper.

He frantically grabbed the clippers from the mirrored cabinet and began trimming down his nails, not remembering when he scratched himself but just hoping it this would stop this from happening again.

Hongbin glanced up in the mirror, hearing that same laughter echoing in his ears. He saw, not his own face, but _Jaehwan_ reflected back at him. Right where he was standing, still trimming his nails, like Hongbin was looking out through Jaehwan’s eyes.

Jaehwan smiled at him, winked, and then Hongbin felt a sharp sting. He dragged his eyes away from the mirror and realized he’d accidentally cut the tip of his finger.

No.15

They were running through the black swan pas de deux again, for the fifth time in half an hour. He and Wonshik were just told to start again, but Hongbin stopped.

All Sanghyuk had been saying was “Again.” Just _again, again, again._

“Do you have any actual comments or corrections?” Hongbin asked, desperate to try and understand how exactly he kept messing up.

“Jaehwan spoke to me this morning,” was the reply. Completely out of left field and throwing Hongbin off. “He told me that he saw you crying and that I should go easy on you.”

“I didn’t tell Jaehwan any of that, he shouldn’t have said anything to you,” he tried, hoping an explanation would make Sanghyuk less annoyed with him. It wasn’t like Hongbin had _asked_ Jaehwan to go run around whining about him. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that! Stop being so _weak!_ Go again!”

Hongbin marched to the chorus members dressing room, calling Jaehwan’s name as loudly as he dared. Fully intent on asking _what exactly_ he'd been thinking.

Jaehwan looked up at the sound of his name, a smile lighting up his face before he noticed Hongbin’s expression.

“We need to talk. Now.”

 _“Ooooh,”_ Wonshik sing-songed, like a kid who just heard someone get called to the principal’s office.

“Shut up,” Jaehwan muttered, smacking Wonshik on the forehead as he stood. Wonshik caught his hand and nipped at the inside of his wrist with a smile before letting him go.

Bile burned at the back of Hongbin’s throat, jealous.

Jaehwan lead him over to a back corner, finding the most secluded spot possible for their conversation. Standing much too close.

“Did you talk to Sanghyuk about me?” Hongbin asked bluntly. He didn’t have the patience to beat around the bush just then.

Jaehwan blinked, as though he were surprised. Like he’d expected Hongbin to say something else. “Yeah, I ran into him this morning and he told me that you two were having a little trouble.”

Both confused _and_ jealous now, Hongbin voiced the first thing that popped into his head. “Why would Sanghyuk talk to _you?_ Of _all_ people?”

Jaehwan arched a brow and crossed his arms. “Excuse _me,_ your highness. I just told him you were working your ass off and I thought you were doing fucking fantastic.”

“Well you _shouldn’t_ have,” Hongbin snapped in reply. He could feel himself glaring, but Jaehwan didn’t glare back. Not exactly. He smiled again, showing his pointy K-9’s, and laughed.

Neither the smile nor the laughter reached his eyes.

“Okay,” he said, looking at Hongbin over his shoulder as he turned to walk away. Not breaking eye contact until he plopped easily down on Wonshik’s lap and fisted Wonshik’s hair. Making the larger man groan.

Hongbin hurried out of the room with his heart in his throat, choking him.

No.16

That night, Hongbin was at home, watching cooking show reruns with Taekwoon and restitching his slippers when the doorbell rang.

Taekwoon went to answer it and Hongbin heard Jaehwan’s voice, asking if Hongbin was around.

Hongbin had told Taekwoon what happened between them earlier in the day, and Taekwoon could be protective, so it was no surprise when he heard Taekwoon say that, “No, Hongbin isn’t here,” and shut the door.

“Who was that?”

“No one.”

“Yes, it _was_ someone, it was Jaehwan.”

“You should stay away from him, Bin. That the guy sounds like nothing more than a bad influence.”

Hongbin’s residual annoyance still lingered, kindling an unfamiliar rebellious itch inside him. So, he got up and went to the front door himself, ignoring Taekwoon’s protests and pulling it open.

“Hey,” Hongbin called, Jaehwan turning slowly on the spot. He smiled a little at Hongbin and swept the hair from his eyes.

“Hey,” he called back.

Hongbin stepped out and shut the door behind him. “What are you doing here?”

Jaehwan backed up until he was leaning against the wall, holding his hands out in surrender. “I just came by to apologize; you were right, I shouldn’t have said anything to Sanghyuk about you. It was out of line.”

“How do you know where I live,” Hongbin asked, suspicious. A suspicion that only grew at Jaehwan’s flirty little wink.

“I have my ways.”

At the angry look on Hongbin’s face, Jaehwan laughed and added, “I got your address from Sanghyuk’s secretary. Relax.”

Hongbin crossed his arms.

“Look, I feel _really_ bad and I want to make it up to you, so can I take you to dinner?”

Hongbin opened his mouth to respond but Jaehwan hurried to talk over him. “Okay, that’s fine, but what about drinks?”

The door opened behind him, Hongbin continuing to ignore his brother saying his name. Saying that Hongbin needed to get his rest and that he should come back inside.

Doubly annoyed with Taekwoon now, Hongbin told Jaehwan to wait and then ducked back inside to grab his shoes. “Don’t wait up,” he muttered to Taekwoon, barely noticing Jaehwan’s smirk before shutting the door in Taekwoon’s face.

They ended up in a restaurant Hongbin didn’t know the name of, gossiping about Sanghyuk and the company’s former principal dancer. How Sanghyuk called the guy his _‘little prince’_ and how Hongbin always thought it was sweet.

“I bet he’ll be calling _you_ his little prince any day now,” Jaehwan giggled, lifting his glass to his mouth.

Hongbin felt his face grow hot. “No, he won’t.”

“Of course, he will. Just gotta let him suck your cock.”

Hongbin _really_ blushed at that, right as the waiter appeared with the steaks they’d ordered. He was looking hungrily at Jaehwan as he set a plate before him.

“Let me know if that’s uh- _juicy_ enough for you,” the waiter said, a line so greasy that Hongbin nearly puked all over the table.

To his dismay, Jaehwan looked up at the man through his lashes and gave one of his signature winks. “Oh, I _absolutely_ will.”

“You got enough- cheese?” the waiter asked, still standing there, clearly unable to take a hint.

Jaehwan gave him a once over, the full up-and-down. “No,” he said, turning his attention to his food, “But _you_ do.”

The waiter made a choking noise and scurried off.

Hongbin was glad to see him go. 

Jaehwan huffed out a laugh but Hongbin just stared at his plate. Managing to both feel annoyed that Jaehwan flirted back at the guy, and that he himself hadn’t gotten hit on at all. Not that he _wanted_ to be actively harassed, but nobody ever seemed to notice him.

Jaehwan watched him for a moment, Hongbin could actually _feel_ the heat of that gaze on his face, before scooting so they were sitting next to each other rather than opposite.

“So,” he asked, in a confidential tone, “How is he?”

“How’s who?”

“Sanghyuk, duh.”

Hongbin snatched his glass and gulped down a sip of water. “I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh, come on-“

“Look, I _really_ don’t wanna talk about this.”

Jaehwan propped his chin on his hand. “You really need to relax. Like... _wow.”_

He sat back and dug around in the little bag he had slung over a shoulder until he found his pack of cigs, opening it right there at the table and extricating a tiny plastic baggie of pills. “One for you, and one for me.”

He set a pill next to Hongbin's plate and then concealed the baggie again, slipping it and his pack back into his bag. “It’s pure, don’t worry,” he added, popping the pill onto his tongue and swallowing it dry.

“What is it?”

Jaehwan looked at him in shock. “Wait are you serious? You’ve never rolled?!”

Hongbin shook his head.

“Oh, relax. It’ll just loosen you up. Give you a chance to really breathe for a change.”

“How long does it last?”

“A couple hours, tops.”

Jaehwan smiled at him, and Hongbin almost let himself get lost in that smile. In those unwavering eyes. But not entirely. “It’s okay,” he murmured, leaving the pill where it was and eating a bite of steak.

Jaehwan looked at him, like he was trying to read Hongbin’s thoughts, but eventually he nodded. Taking the pill back and returning it to its hiding spot.

“How about this instead?” he asked, pulling out a wadded up black tank top. “If you really want people to look at you, and I know you do so don’t bother lying, try showcasing your assets a bit more. Seriously, I’d kill you and steal those gorgeous arms if I could.”

“Why are you carrying around random shirts?” Hongbin asked, accepting the proffered garment with a small grin.

Jaehwan shrugged, lashes fluttering. “In case I wake up in a strange place without one.”

“Do you do that often? The drugs and waking up in random places, I mean?”

Another shrug. A playful smile. “On occasion. I woke up at Shikkie’s house this morning but that’s not exactly an unfamiliar locale anymore.”

Hongbin swallowed down a lump that was trying to form in his throat. Then another bite of steak. He wasn’t jealous. _Seriously._ Never would he _ever_ be jealous of anyone as stupid as Wonshik.

“Are you guys dating then?”

“Dating,” Jaehwan barked out a laugh, his cherry soda nearly coming out his nose. “I let him fuck me occasionally, not sure if you can call that dating.”

A flush heated Hongbin’s ears at that. Maybe he actually _was_ jealous of Wonshik. Maybe he was really just _that_ stupid.

Dinner finished, Hongbin excused himself to the restroom. He pulled his ratty hoodie off over his head and tugged the tank top on, silently thanking god he was wearing jeans and not the PJ bottoms he’d been eyeballing when he’d gotten home earlier. He didn’t look all that bad, Hongbin thought, glancing at himself in the mirror. His arms still seemed too muscular but if Jaehwan liked them, then they couldn’t be _that_ terrible.

His phone began to vibrate and Hongbin glanced at the screen. _Taekwoon._ He really wasn’t in the mood for a telling off, smacking the decline button as fast as he could.

The scratches on his shoulder blade were visible, but Hongbin figured it was alright. Would make him look cool and dangerous and impressive or something. He tied the hoodie around his waist and exited the bathroom to go find Jaehwan.

When he _did_ find Jaehwan, though, it was in unexpected company. He was in the bar on the restaurant's second story, seated on a high stool between two 6’5 slabs of meat, giggling and pouring the contents of one of his pills into a glass that was being held out for him.

Hongbin hid halfway behind a wall divider, just watching. Watching one of the meat slabs touch Jaehwan’s back, watching Jaehwan flash a downright wicked grin, watching the powder dissolve in the light pink liquor.

Jaehwan said something and then turned his head. He must have caught Hongbin in his peripheral vision because a smile ignited on his face, hopping off the barstool like a bunny and skittering over to Hongbin’s side.

“Hey! I thought we could use some drinks-“

“I’d better head out, it’s late,” Hongbin tried, Jaehwan already dragging him back to the bar by the wrist. Ignoring his words of farewell completely.

Jaehwan introduced the guys, forgettable names and forgettable cookie-cutter handsome faces, but Hongbin forgot to listen. Jaehwan’s long fingers were distractingly warm. They slipped easily from around his wrist and wove between Hongbin’s own. He was holding Jaehwan’s hand. Why was his heart ratcheting so frantically?! It was just a little _hand holding!_

“I _really_ have to go home,” Hongbin tried again, trying not to fall victim to Jaehwan’s lopsided grin and failing.

Jaehwan began to pout. An honest to god, four-year-old at bedtime, puppy dog eyes, _pout._ “But I just got us drinks,” he whined forlornly, tugging on Hongbin’s hand.

“We’re on the stage tomorrow. Dress rehearsal, remember?”

“So, what are you gunna do? Run home to your scary looking boyfriend?”

Hongbin suppressed a cough. “He’s my brother not my boyfriend.”

“Come on, please? Stay?” Jaehwan drew out the word _‘on’_ so it lasted for at least an hour, his bottom lip trembling and other hand finding its way up to the front of Hongbin’s shirt. A losing battle if Hongbin had ever fought one.

Hongbin glanced pointedly at the glass he’d seen Jaehwan spike. “Only a couple hours?” he asked, needing the confirmation.

Jaehwan’s beam returned to full strength. “Tops.”

Maybe half an hour later, Hongbin was sitting in a booth between Jaehwan and one of his new friends who continued to remain nameless.

“I think it’s time for another round, huh?” Jaehwan chirped, scratching lightly at Hongbin’s scalp before sliding away and disappearing.

Hongbin didn’t notice him leave. Or if he did notice, the fact of it didn’t bother him. There was a slight ringing in his ears.

He slowly dropped his head to peer at his own hands. The edges seemed fuzzy. Like a blurry outline. Hongbin chuckled to himself. Then giggled. Then laughed for true, dropping back against the cushion. His entire body was warm. Loose. Muscles relaxed. Like floating in an enormous pool of warm water. His mind was clear and calm for the first time in- shit, nearly a decade. Hongbin could _breathe._

“Shots!” Jaehwan squeaked, sliding back into the booth a bit too enthusiastically so his shoulder bumped Hongbin. The sides of their thighs pressed against each other.

Hongbin leaned into the contact, resting his head on Jaehwan’s arm.

“Hello!”

Hongbin chose not to speak, leaning closer and nuzzling at the column of Jaehwan’s throat instead.

“Oh, _hello...”_

The _‘hello’_ came out in a different tone the second time, lower, more musical.

“I think somebody’s rolling, finally, you’re like years behind me.”

Hongbin glanced up, counting Jaehwan's eyelashes as he blinked.

“Time for us to go dance.”

_Red._

_Green._

_Red._

_Blue._

_Green._

The lights blinked chaotically, strobing in no particular order. Each flash punctuating the music's heavy baseline.

And Hongbin was dancing. Not the way he normally danced, no elegance, no control. Simply swaying to the deafening song with his back pressed against someone very tall and very warm.

He opened his eyes for a moment, breath coming shallow as he scanned the space around him for Jaehwan.

_Green._

_Blue._

_Green._

_Red._

“Jaehwan?” he called, straining to make his voice heard over the racket.

A slightly large nose and pretty smile popped up right in front of Hongbin. Jaehwan's face maybe two inches from Hongbin’s own. And Jaehwan’s ass was being groped by the taller of the two guys, Hongbin noticed. Once he finally bothered to look. That seemed wrong.

“Come here,” Hongbin whispered, even though he knew Jaehwan couldn’t hear him.

Being brave, being bold in a way he usually wasn’t, Hongbin fisted Jaehwan’s hair and pulled Jaehwan to him. _God_ but those silky curls felt soft against his skin.

Jaehwan came willingly. He slung his arms around Hongbin’s neck, pressing close enough that their chests were flush together. Leaning his forehead against Hongbin’s. Rolling his body in a smooth grind along Hongbin’s torso and one of his thighs.

Hongbin matched the movements as best he could.

Jaehwan was hard, or half hard anyway, he could feel it where Jaehwan's crotch was glued to his denim covered hip. The idea of it sent a spark of sheer delight through Hongbin. That someone like Jaehwan could be turned on by dancing with _him._

“You’re beautiful,” he mumbled, mouth to Jaehwan’s pointy ear.

Jaehwan giggled into his cheek, Hongbin’s hands wandering down to the swell of Jaehwan’s ass seemingly of their own volition. He squeezed.

Jaehwan made a cute little squeaky noise. “I know,” he replied. And then his mouth had found Hongbin’s. Their lips parting, Jaehwan’s tongue dipping into Hongbin’s mouth. Hongbin leaning closer until the tip of Jaehwan’s nose poked him.

“You have a big nose.”

“I know that too.”

Jaehwan grinned, Hongbin could feel it, and then his sweet, pretty mouth was moving south. Tracing the cut of Hongbin’s jaw. Over his pulse point. Along his throat.

Hongbin groaned at the sensation. Those lips working magic on Hongbin’s skin.

_Red._

_Blue._

_Green._

_Blue._

After what could have either been a blink or a century, Hongbin opened his eyes and realized he was standing in a different bathroom. Someone who was very much _not_ Jaehwan kissing his neck.

“Get off,” Hongbin said, pleased when his voice came out firm. He didn’t even particularly care, he just needed to leave.

“Hey, what the fuck?!”

Hongbin ignored his prospective partner and walked right out of the bathroom. Down a dingy hallway. Into the club proper with its flashing lights and pounding music.

Everything felt so much clearer now. The haze had melted away, his body no longer feeling warm and fuzzy. Everything was sharp, crisply outlined by black felt-tip.

He scanned the faces around him as he walked, also ignoring the fact that his hands were shaky and his legs were feeling a bit weak. He looked and looked and looked, but no Jaehwan to be found.

The cool night air hit him like a slap the moment Hongbin stepped outside. He sucked down deep lungfuls of the stuff. Clean and cold and refreshing.

“Bin!”

Hongbin glanced over his shoulder and there was Jaehwan. Head stuck sideways out of the entryway, smiling a stupid smile and blinking like an idiot. Hongbin’s heart did a little _ba-bump._

“Where are you going?”

Not even five minutes later, the two of them were stepping into the back of a bright yellow cab.

Hongbin let his head loll. Staring at the way Jaehwan’s profile was silhouetted against the night sky outside the car window. All sharp angles.

Jaehwan turned to glance at him, catching Hongbin staring. Hongbin didn’t have it in him to care.

“Hi.”

It was just a whisper, and then Jaehwan’s hand was moving closer. Two fingers walking across the middle seat like they were in some cheesy 80’s romcom. He circled Hongbin’s wrist in a loose grip, and Hongbin made the conscious decision not to push him away.

Jaehwan poked at the pocket on Hongbin’s jeans. Again, Hongbin decided not to stop him.

Those slim fingers kept on walking. Over the top of Hongbin’s thigh, then down along his inseam. Jaehwan never breaking eye contact even for a second.

Hongbin tried very hard not to gasp. He grabbed Jaehwan’s hand (they were in public still, and the innocent guy driving them didn’t need to witness a stranger getting hand job in his own car) and tangled their fingers together. Not letting go. _Never_ wanting to let go. Pressing their clasped hands against his side and drowning in the soft laughter burbling out of Jaehwan’s mouth.

“Where have you been?!”

“Out,” Hongbin replied, hanging his now filthy hoodie on the coatrack and kicking the front door shut once Jaehwan had slipped inside.

Taekwoon glared at him, lips pursed, and eyes narrowed. “You’ve been _drinking.”_

“Bingo.” Hongbin gave a mock solute, which his elder brother didn’t seem to appreciate. At least Jaehwan giggled.

“What else have you been doing?”

Hongbin leveled a hand at his friend, Jaehwan snatching it up as soon as it was within reach. “Him.”

 _“Classy.”_ Taekwoon spat the word but Hongbin was already finished with the conversation. His brother shouted his name, Jaehwan latching himself to Hongbin’s side as they half-walked, half-ran to his bedroom.

Jaehwan was the one who shut the door this time. He barely had time to flip the lock before Hongbin was on him. Peeling the shirt off him and shoving him up against the wall so hard his head made an audible _thunk._

“Baby...” Jaehwan whined, trying to take off Hongbin’s borrowed tank top and failing. Hongbin sealed his mouth to Jaehwan’s neck. Sucking and biting and lapping at his skin, an amateurish attempt to mark. Amateurish or not, Jaehwan responded to it, cradling the back of Hongbin’s head and hiccupping a little.

“Don’t call me that,” Hongbin muttered, forming the words against Jaehwan’s adam’s apple. There was so much bare skin for him to explore. One of Hongbin’s hands roamed across Jaehwan’s lightly scored abdomen, mapping every dip and rise, the other slipping down the back of his skinny jeans.

Jaehwan nipped at his earlobe, more painful than playful, and Hongbin’s breath caught. “What do you want me to call you instead?” he asked, firmly gripping Hongbin’s hips and spinning them so their positions were reversed. “Kitten? Sweetheart? Daddy?”

“No,” Hongbin gasped, dizzy. The wall at his back was hard and cool, Jaehwan soft and warm against his front.

“Hmm...” Jaehwan succeeded at getting the tank top off this time, tossing it sideways before going at the button on Hongbin’s jeans. “What about little prince? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, bunny?”

 _God,_ it sounded so different in Jaehwan’s lilting tone. Higher and sweeter than Sanghyuk’s voice. Hongbin genuinely couldn’t have said which version he preferred. All he knew right then was that hearing that particular pet name got him hard all on its own.

Jaehwan smirked and ducked down, tugging Hongbin’s jeans down with him before Hongbin managed to grab him and push the older man onto his bed.

“Feisty,” Jaehwan hummed, visibly pleased, rolling them around until he was straddling Hongbin. “My little prince is so fucking _feisty.”_

Jaehwan bent to kiss the curve of Hongbin’s throat, grinding against him just as smoothly as he’d done in the club. Hongbin nearly wept at the friction.

“Why are you still wearing pants?” he asked, instead of weeping, gripping tight at the underside of Jaehwan’s thighs.

“I don’t need to be naked to suck your cock.”

And there was that wicked grin again, dark and handsome, splashed across Jaehwan’s face like poison. Hongbin saw it for barely a heartbeat and then Jaehwan was shimmying down his body. Pulling Hongbin’s boxers off with those pointy puppy teeth.

 _How_ had he never noticed the tattoo before? Jaehwan had an honestly _beautiful_ tattoo on his back, starting at the center of his spine, two black lilies blooming across his shoulder blades like wings. The way his muscle and sinew rippled beneath the ink made Hongbin lose his breath all over again.

“You have a pretty cock, little prince,” Jaehwan said, almost conversational. Voice dipping to a husky purr. He ran his tongue from base to tip, licking at Hongbin’s slit with mischief gleaming in his eyes.

Jaehwan throating him sent a whipcrack of pleasure burning through Hongbin. He grabbed Jaehwan’s hair, overwhelmed almost immediately.

Those lips looked too perfect wrapped around his length, those pointy ears flushed, tears pricking at the corners of Jaehwan’s eyes even as he pulled off and smiled.

Hongbin pushed him back down, unconsciously bucking his hips so his cock hit the back of Jaehwan’s throat. The elder man gagged at it but didn’t protest. His nose was pressed to Hongbin’s stomach and he moaned softly, the vibrations rocking through Hongbin’s entire body.

He _had_ to shut his eyes. If Hongbin kept watching, he was going to lose his fucking mind and come down Jaehwan’s throat _much_ too soon. Sweat beaded along his spine and his head was positively spinning.

Jaehwan did something, swallowed if Hongbin had to guess, his throat muscles tightening up before relaxing again. It was such a surprising feeling that Hongbin had to bite the back of his own arm to stop himself making any embarrassing noises.

“Look at me, pretty little prince,” Jaehwan murmured, voice raspy and hoarse. He began tonguing at Hongbin’s slit again and Hongbin forced his eyes open, nearly screaming at what he saw.

Just a flash. Just a split second, but he could have _sworn_ it was his own face looking back at him, not Jaehwan. His own face, and yet he didn’t look like himself. His eyes had been cold and angry, the curve of his smile nothing but cruel. Lashes and lips as dark as sin.

Hongbin jerked away on instinct, the flash of _whatever the fuck that was_ scaring the ability to speak away from him.

But it was just Jaehwan. Calvin Klein written on the waistband of his black briefs that was visible above his jeans. Black curls messy and falling across his eyes. Cherry mouth bitten raw.

“Shh,” Jaehwan cooed, crawling up to kiss Hongbin on the mouth. Soothing him. Petting his cheek and whispering sweet words each brief moment they broke apart for air.

Apparently deciding that Hongbin had relaxed enough, Jaehwan resumed his ministrations. Hollowing his cheeks and setting a steady rhythm.

He was so fucking beautiful Hongbin couldn’t stand it.

The fact that this was his first time getting a blowjob wasn’t exactly helping matters in Hongbin’s stamina department. Lungs contracting with each exhalation, pinprick stars bursting behind his eyelids each time Jaehwan’s tongue brushed that sensitive spot under the head.

A breath of relief rushed out of him as he came, head dropping back on the mattress, fingers knotted in Jaehwan’s hair. Euphoria leaving him absolutely boneless.

Jaehwan chuckled, swallowing the come Hongbin had just spilled down his throat as he returned to eye level. Hongbin wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer. Needing to hold on to him for a little while longer.

“Sweet boy,” Jaehwan sighed, extricating himself from Hongbin’s embrace.

Hongbin blinked up at him. Not understanding why he’d pulled away. And then there was a pillow in Jaehwan’s hand, and the world went dark.

No.17

When Hongbin woke up, the first thing he realized was that he was late.

The second thing he realized was that his head felt like it had been bashed in with a brick. Hangovers were never good, _obviously,_ but this one was one for the books.

He scrabbled to dress himself somewhat presentably, ignoring his messy bedroom (it looked like a fucking tornado had blasted through it, but that was an issue he could deal with later), and was out the door in ten minutes flat. Taekwoon hadn’t woken him up and wasn’t anywhere to be seen, but that was _also_ something he could deal with later.

As he entered the theater, Hongbin heard something that made his blood chill in his veins. It was his music. Someone else was dancing to _his_ music. Fuck, he was so late.

It was Jaehwan. Of course, it was fucking Jaehwan. He didn’t even look that hungover, executing Hongbin’s choreography with practiced ease, Hakyeon twirling him around the rehearsal room. Like this was _normal._ Like Jaehwan wasn’t dancing _Hongbin’s_ part.

“Sanghyuk, I’m here,” Hongbin called, walking right up to the director and trying not to notice the glare he received in response.

Jaehwan hadn’t even looked at him.

“Go warm up,” Sanghyuk snapped, impatient as ever.

Hongbin turned and stalked away. Stretching on a bar in the corner and watching Jaehwan do _his_ dance with _his_ partner. Growing angrier and more hurt by the second.

The assembled company clapped when the music came to an end, Jaehwan and Hakyeon smiling coyly at each other for no fucking reason. Jaehwan had probably fucked him too. The thought was an uncharitable one but Hongbin couldn’t make himself feel bad about it.

“That was excellent,” Sanghyuk said, more praise than he’d ever given Hongbin for anything. “Ten-minute break.”

“Hey,” Jaehwan called, jogging over to where Hongbin was warming up. “Sanghyuk just wanted to run through it, he asked me to step in, alright? No need to burn holes in the back of my head.”

“I overslept.”

Jaehwan laughed under his breath, grabbing the bar and stretching one leg up in a vertical split. “Oops. At least you had a good night though.”

“You put something in my drink!”

“Yes.” Jaehwan stared blankly back at him. "You knew I did, you asked me about it..."

“And then you just took off in the morning?”

The blankness turned to wary confusion. “What? In the _morning?”_

Hongbin cracked his still stiff neck, trying his best not to sound hurt. “Yeah. You slept over. Or do you not remember?”

“No,” Jaehwan replied, cocking his head to the side and switching legs. “Unless your name starts with a _K_ and ends with _im Wonshik.”_

“But we...” Hongbin let that statement trail off, eyes sliding out of focus.

“But we what, Bin?”

Hongbin swallowed and look back, just as a smile broke across Jaehwan’s face. “Did you have a wet dream about me or something?”

“Shut up.”

“Oh my god, you did!” Jaehwan clapped.

“I said, _shut up!”_

“Was I good?”

Hongbin walked away before he did something _else_ he’d regret.

They started real practice a few minutes later, Hongbin dancing his part, as it should be. But every time he looked to Sanghyuk for confirmation that he was doing well, Sanghyuk’s eyes were glued to Jaehwan waiting in the wings. And Jaehwan was looking at Sanghyuk too.

Hongbin wanted to throw up.

No.18

“You’ve lost weight,” the seamstress said, her tape measure wrapped around Hongbin’s waist. They were doing the final fitting for their costumes and Hongbin knew he should be excited. It was his first show as principal dancer. He should be jumping with fucking joy. But he wasn’t. All he felt was slightly sick.

“I guess so.”

There was a mirror in front of him as well as behind, twisting off into infinity. Countless Hongbin doppelgängers as far as the eye could see. But something caught his attention. A reflection behind him was scratching his back. Hongbin definitely wasn’t scratching his back, his hands were at his sides.

He whipped his head around, all his reflections copying the movement in perfect unison. All but one. It was Jaehwan, grinning at him and digging his nails into his shoulder blade. Or, _Hongbin’s_ nails into _Hongbin’s_ shoulder blade?

“Face front please, we’re almost done.”

Hongbin shook himself and faced front.

“I’m so sorry to interrupt. Sanghyuk sent me-“

Jaehwan’s voice, from the other side of the room.

“Yes, we need to get you fitted for your swan king costumes,” the seamstress replied, bustling away and leaving Hongbin to stare at himself, baffled. He _must_ have heard that wrong.

Hongbin stomped from his corner and through the racks of clothes until he found his target. “What’s he doing here,” he asked, addressing the seamstress but glaring at Jaehwan for all he was worth.

Jaehwan didn’t glare back, simply giving Hongbin a look of tired impatience. “Sanghyuk made me your alternate.”

That was just about fucking enough.

“Look, it’s just in case!” Jaehwan called as Hongbin hurried past him out of the fitting room. Jogging down corridors and staircases until he finally found Sanghyuk.

“Not him,” Hongbin begged with absolutely no preamble, halting two stairs above the landing Sanghyuk was on, _“Anyone_ but him.”

“What are you talking about?”

That tired look again. Was Hongbin seriously that exhausting to everyone around him?

“Jaehwan,” he clarified, “You made him my alternate.”

“Every lead gets an alternate.”

“No, you don’t _understand.”_ Hongbin was gripping the banister so hard his knuckles were white. “He wants my role. He wants to replace me.”

A small smile broke across Sanghyuk’s face at that. “Every dancer here want your role, Hongbin.”

“No, listen to me-“

Sanghyuk shushed him gently, picking up on the panic Hongbin was trying so hard to conceal.

“You had a breakthrough in rehearsal this morning. I know it’s been hard, but tomorrow is _yours._ There’s nothing to worry about, alright?” One of his large hands briefly came to cup Hongbin’s cheek as he added, “You don’t have to worry about Jaehwan. Now, go home and rest.”

No.19

But Hongbin _didn’t_ go home or rest. He stayed in his practice room, going _over and over and over_ the choreography all by himself for so long that the pianist instructed to play for him had given up and gone home.

He watched himself in the mirror, dancing and dancing until his legs ached and it felt like his feet were bleeding. And then he danced some more.

Someone shut the lights off and Hongbin nearly jumped out of his skin.

“I’m still working in here! Hey!” he shouted, but nothing happened. The room stayed bathed in darkness.

Now that he was listening for it, Hongbin heard the faint sound of laughter from somewhere. Far off and indistinct. He began to walk, not even knowing exactly why, allowing his feet to carry him towards the source of the laughter. Out of his practice room and through the wings, across the stage, all the way to the other side of the theater.

It was a laugh he recognized, Hongbin realized then. Husky and sweet. His heart began to pound.

They weren’t even in a private room. Just the prop corner, out in the open where _anyone_ could have seen them.

“You’re so perfect, my little prince, there’s no one better.”

“Call me that again, baby.”

Hongbin came to a dead stop, staying concealed in shadow. _Watching._

 _Watching_ Sanghyuk kiss Jaehwan on the mouth, both of their lips parted, panting heavily.

 _Watching_ Sanghyuk lift Jaehwan onto a table and stand between his spread legs, pulling Jaehwan’s T-shirt off in a manner than suggested he’d done it before.

 _Watching_ Jaehwan’s hands claw weakly at Sanghyuk’s back, Sanghyuk pushing him down and trailing kisses across his stomach.

Listening to Jaehwan moan Sanghyuk’s name.

Listening to Sanghyuk moan Jaehwan’s name.

He watched until he _couldn’t_ watch anymore, eyes so wet with tears that the image of Sanghyuk pushing himself into Jaehwan was nothing but a blur.

His prince had fallen for the wrong person. Hongbin’s prince had fallen for the black swan. Just like in the story.

Something behind Hongbin, inside Hongbin, _growled._

No.20

Hongbin looked in his bathroom mirror, the whites of his eyes blood red. Everything was screaming at him. The pictures on the walls, the floors, the ceilings, the furniture. Everything was screaming but the mirror. The mirror was calm and quiet. Whispering _‘sweet boy’_ over and over as he began to pluck out the black feathers that had sprouted on his back.

No.21

He was late. _Again._

Hongbin had woken up with socks covering his hands. Taekwoon had told him that he’d been scratching himself all night. Told Hongbin that he’d called the company and told them that Hongbin wasn’t feeling well.

Not a chance in hell was Hongbin going to let this opportunity slip away. Let Jaehwan take his place on stage. On opening night. _Not a fucking chance._

There had been a fight, some screaming and an exchange of nasty words, but in the end, Hongbin had made it to the theater maybe an hour before curtain call.

No.22

“What is he doing here?!” Jaehwan exclaimed, hanging off Sanghyuk’s arm like a giant whiney baby. People in the hallways quieted as Hongbin past them. “He was supposed to be sick! Baby, _why_ is he here?!”

Hongbin paid him no attention. He didn’t pay attention to anyone, simply turning into his dressing room at the end of the hallway and sitting down in front of his mirror to start his makeup.

The door opened a few minutes after he’d closed it. Sanghyuk, gorgeous body concealed by a well-tailored tux. A sight which not even _yesterday_ would have sent Hongbin’s heart fluttering.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Sanghyuk took a step closer. “Uh, Hongbin. I’ve already asked Jaehwan. He’s going to dance tonight.”

“Have you announced it yet?" Hongbin sighed, staying focused on the white paint he was applying to his forehead.

A blink. A pause. Sanghyuk making calculations in his head.

Hongbin continued with his makeup. “It’s _my_ fucking face on the posters. Not Jaehwan’s.”

The room went silent again and Hongbin still didn’t care. He had to look absolutely perfect tonight.

Sanghyuk closed the remaining distance, bending down so he could meet Hongbin’s eye in the mirror. A little pleased grin curling the corners of his mouth. Hongbin felt nothing at the sight of it.

“The only one standing in your way now is you. Time to let him go.” Sanghyuk dropped a kiss on Hongbin’s cheek. “Lose yourself.”

_Show time._

White swan went off without a hitch, but they always knew it would. Wonshik danced Hongbin into the wings and then ran off immediately.

Hongbin didn’t follow. He waited there, up stage, watching the others perform with a detached sort of curiosity. In the wing’s opposite, Sanghyuk flashed him a thumbs up.

Two curtains away from the director, Hongbin caught a glimpse of Jaehwan. White feathers decorating those lovely dark curls, lips painted a dark cabernet. He was laughing at something, as usual, and then Wonshik appeared at his side. His hands on Jaehwan’s waist, Jaehwan’s palms flat on his chest. Smiling at each other so close that their noses touched. No more mystery pertaining to his sudden departure then.

Jaehwan caught Hongbin’s eye and smiled. Hongbin didn’t smile back.

It was his cue again and Hongbin returned to the stage, fluttering into Wonshik’s waiting arms. His lips were now clearly stained from whatever tint Jaehwan was wearing.

That tiny, meaningless detail had the effect of distracting Hongbin so much that he missed a move, not shifting his weight when he was supposed to and causing Wonshik to accidentally drop him.

Hongbin froze, knees aching, on center stage. His brain just shut down. Lucky for him, Wonshik was quicker to regain his senses and he scooped Hongbin up, setting him on his feet.

“What the fuck was that?” he whispered in Hongbin’s ear before dancing away. Hongbin had _no clue_ what the fuck that was.

He danced the rest of the song as well as he could, holding back tears as Hakyeon basically dragged him off the stage. It was part of the choreography, the dragging, but it felt like Hongbin was actually being taken away for ruining the show. 

_Intermission._

_Curtains closing._

No.23

“That was a fucking disaster!” Sanghyuk exclaimed, trying to catch Hongbin’s arm as he ran past.

Hongbin didn’t have words, couldn’t form a single apology or explanation. The next thing he knew, he was slamming the door of his dressing room shut and pressing his back against it. Breath escaping in harsh little rasps.

“That was a rough start. You must feel like shit.”

 _Someone_ was sitting at his vanity.

 _Someone_ was wearing his black leotard.

 _Someone_ was painting their eyelids with his coal black paint.

_Jaehwan._

“Get out of my room.”

“You look so out of it. I’m worried about the next act,” Jaehwan hummed, painting his mouth with Hongbin’s stolen lipstick.

Hongbin tried to catch his breath. “Stop. Please, just _stop!”_

“Why don’t you let _me_ have a turn? I’ll dance the black swan for you since you’re having such a hard time,” he purred, smirking at Hongbin in the mirror.

That unknown thing inside Hongbin’s chest growled again. It snarled. It _roared._

“No! Leave me alone!” he screamed, grabbing Jaehwan by the hair and yanking him off the vanity stool. Jaehwan didn’t stop smirking. The curve of his mouth pure venom.

Hongbin shoved him against the full-body mirror so hard that it shattered, shards of broken glass tinkling to the ground all around him.

Jaehwan was still smirking. Like he couldn’t even feel it.

_“My_ turn! It’s _my_ turn! Not yours!” Hongbin shouted, smashing Jaehwan’s head into the mirrors exposed wooden backing _again and again and again_ until there was blood coating his fingers. Those pretty dark curls sticky and matted with crimson.

Jaehwan slumped, but his smirk still hadn’t left even as he wrapped his hands around Hongbin’s throat. Smirk flicking up into a snarl.

Hongbin began to choke. Gagging as Jaehwan’s slender fingers began to constrict, cutting off his airway. Crushing his throat.

He thrashed and clawed at Jaehwan, but the crazy fucker wouldn’t let him go. Jaehwan was _actually_ going to kill him.

 _Not if I kill him first,_ Hongbin’s terrified brain supplied.

“It’s my turn,” Jaehwan hissed, squeezing harder. “Mine!”

_No._ No it _wasn’t_ his turn.

Hongbin’s fingers brushed a shard of mirror and he snatched it up, screaming a broken scream as he drove the jagged glass into Jaehwan’s abdomen.

_“My turn!_ Not yours!” he screamed again, half crying and half hyperventilating and Jaehwan’s grip slackened. Hands dropping to the floor. Eyes widening in surprise.

Jaehwan tried to speak, Hongbin was still gripping his shoulder tightly in one hand, and so felt the vibrations of the attempted words. He never spoke them. Just coughed. Blood coming up out of his mouth and coating his lips. Dribbling down his chin.

Hongbin pulled the mirror shard out again, the tip of it had snapped off and was still firmly lodged in Jaehwan’s stomach. Crimson covering everything.

The full realization of what he’d just done hit Hongbin like a two-ton truck.

Jaehwan tried to breathe, the sound thick and wet and more like a gurgle than an inhale. He looked up at Hongbin. Those big brown puppy dog eyes. Then down at his stomach.

Then he collapsed backward. Head knocking against the floor. Eyes glazed and unfocused. Jaehwan wasn’t breathing anymore.

“Black Swan, places in five,” someone said, knocking on his dressing room door.

Hongbin slapped a hand over his mouth to cover his scream, most definitely hyperventilating now, and then he grabbed Jaehwan’s ankles. Pulling the elder man across the floor and into his shower.

A problem to be handled later.

It was _his_ turn now.

No.24

Hongbin danced the Black Swan pas de deux better than he had ever danced it before.

Swathed in black from head to toe. Kohl and silver around his eyes. Onyx glittering in his hair.

He let go. He just let _everything_ go. His body knew the moves better than it had ever known anything and Hongbin simply let them flow from him. He was _free._

The music swelled and then trailed off, Hakyeon whispering “Great job,” as he led Hongbin into the wings, accompanied by a standing ovation.

“Get back out there and bow! They want-“ Sanghyuk began, but Hongbin didn’t let him finish. Going up on pointe and pressing his lips to Sanghyuk’s.

A fission of pleasure skittered along his spine at the directors surprised inhale. Hongbin nipped his lip for old times’ sake.

And then he was pulling himself away, taking note of Sanghyuk’s little smile and gliding to center stage for a bow.

No.25

_Only one act left now._

Hongbin would be the white swan once more.

He didn’t know if he was ready to go back to that yet. His heart so full of darkness it felt like he had a black hole in his chest.

_Dressing room._

_Dressing room._

Had to get to his _dressing room_ to change.

Dancers congratulated him as he went past but Hongbin stayed focused. Preparing himself for the mess he would surely find.

But there was _no_ mess.

Well, there _was_ a mess, but not the kind of mess he’d been expecting. No blood. No corpse in the shower. Only pieces of smashed mirror and a smear of foundation on his vanity.

Thoroughly unnerved, Hongbin checked again. Still nothing.

Shit, he didn’t have time for this. He had to redo his make-up and change leotards and go find Sanghyuk so he could finally suck his cock before the curtains rose on act four-

 _Knocking._ Someone knocking at his door.

Hongbin blinked. He hadn’t realized that he’d changed clothes already. He was all in white and feathers and diamonds once more, white paint decorating the high planes of his face.

Shaking himself again, he quickly stood and cracked the door open, sticking his head through the gap to see who it was.

No.26

“Hey!”

Hongbin nearly choked on his spit.

“You were _amazing!_ I knew you would be!” Jaehwan cooed, bouncing on the balls of his feet and smiling at Hongbin like he hung the moon.

Hongbin couldn’t understand. He didn’t know what was... if Jaehwan was there then who...

“Seriously, I know things got weird between us, but I-"

Hongbin slammed the door in Jaehwan’s face.

He looked at the door. Then into the bathroom. Then over to the broken mirror.

And then Hongbin looked down at his own stomach.

The white feathers decorating his leotard were stained scarlet, fabric torn and stuck to his skin. He could feel it, now that he was looking for it. The fragment of mirror still inside him, cutting deeper each time he inhaled.

Tears rolled down Hongbin’s cheeks as he pulled it out, fingers shaking, barely breathing.

The only one standing in his way now was himself. He’d let that person go. Let who he used to be go. And there was a sense of euphoria in that realization. A joy.

_Not scared._

_Not shy._

_Not quiet._

That boy was dead now.

Hongbin was _alive._

No.27

_Act four._

It was the finale, Hongbin’s grand leap off the fake cliff and onto the waiting mattress below.

He looked to Hakyeon, his evil Rothbart, responsible for cursing him into the body of a swan.

He looked to Wonshik, the prince he loved that fell for someone else.

And then Hongbin looked out at the audience, seeing his elder brother's face in the crowd, music cresting high. He flapped his wings. Once. Twice. And _fell._

No.28

The mattress cushioned his landing, stage lights swimming in his eyes and applause ringing in his ears.

_Curtain coming down._

Then voices all around him, telling him how beautifully he’d done, how amazing he was, how they had always believed in him. _Liars._ All of them. But Hongbin didn’t care.

“Can you hear them?! They love you!” Sanghyuk exclaimed, collapsing onto the mattress beside Hongbin, cupping his cheek.

He looked so happy.

Hongbin didn’t care.

“I always knew you could do it, my little prince. Let’s go take your bow, hm?”

Sanghyuk sat up a bit and from the left, Hongbin heard Jaehwan gasp.

The red stain was spreading across Hongbin’s stomach now, he could feel it. Warm on his skin but leaving his insides cold.

“Call 911!” Sanghyuk shouted, “Hurry!”

Hongbin grabbed his hand. Smiling as his vision blurred.

No.29

“What the fuck did you do Hongbin?!”

“I _felt_ it.”

Sanghyuk’s mouth fell open, even as he slid off his tuxedo jacket and pressed it to the wound. “What!?”

Hongbin let his lashes flutter the way Jaehwan always did. Lids slipping shut. Smile immovable.

_“Perfect. I was perfect."_

**Author's Note:**

> In case you were curious, there is actually a male-swan adaptation of swan lake which you can watch [HERE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQsECoq9XGM)  
> Its very cool so I highly recommend!
> 
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